Thoughts on feeling sad

29 July 2015

I wrote this post last night when I was feeling particularly sad. Probably the lowest I've felt in a long while. Part of me thought about not posting it, but writing is good for me. It always has been and it helps me to process my thoughts and feelings. So here it is. My mish mash of feelings, splattered onto a keyboard and jotted down here.

One of my favourite spots on Southbank

I am usually this very bouncy, happy, chatty and positive individual. I have time for everyone that I come across, be it my best friend, family member or someone serving me on the tills in Tesco. A simple smile can change someone's day, and I am a big believer that you should be the positive change that you want to see in the world. It's why I'm running the London Marathon next year. We should all be aiming for positivity and progression.

However, as I'm writing this, I'm not that person. Not right now. Today I'm rather the opposite. I've opened the floodgates a little in terms of having a good cry and lots of the things that I've tried to push past and be strong with have come flowing out. I actually really dislike it when I'm like this on a rare occasion. I'm not saying that I don't cry..I do. Lots. But I feel like today has been a different type of crying, and I can't help but feel disappointed at myself. Which is ridiculous when you think about it. Beating myself up for having a day where I let my emotions come to light? It's really silly.

One of my good traits is that I am always there for other people. I don't just mean 'give me a text if you need me'. I mean driving at 4am like a banshee to help a friend in trouble, ringing people on the other side of the world to help them breathe and cry through bad news and not giving a crap about the horrendous phone bill, buying care packages for people with all of the things that they love in just because I know they will like them etc. More than one person has said to me that if they were stuck in a remote area of Peru and needed help, they would call me, and they know I would be there, no matter how many trains, planes or automobiles it took to get there.

This is absolutely true. I would do that. When I love someone, friends, family and relationships alike, I would do anything for them.

It seems to be recently that that trait of mine is being taken advantage of. The last thing I want to do is sound sorry for myself, but there is something really not nice about knowing that people are using the way you are as an excuse. 'Tamsin will understand because she always does.' Yes, I do understand and I pride myself in always listening and understanding. But it gets to a point where it's almost unfair.

Trying to deal with your emotions whilst being that happy and positive person can be quite a challenge. I'm good at putting on a brave face and I can perform the hell out of anything. That's what a performer does. And I'm really good at it. But today I don't want to perform. I've had news that makes me feel sick inside, I've seen things that I wish I could un-see, I'm sad about some aspects of my life and my heart hurts. My heart really, really hurts. So no, I'm not going to be usual Tamsin today. And I may not be usual Tamsin tomorrow either.

I'm not even sure why I'm trying to justify this to myself. I shouldn't have to justify anything. But I guess that's just the way I am. When you're usually a happy and positive person, those rare days that you feel down and emotional are always a bit of a shock. But today I'm going to cry. I have cried, and I mean really, really cried. I can't say that I feel all that better yet for it, so I'm doing what I usually do and heading to the gym to throw my emotions into strength training.

I'm sure it's just a bad day, but I guess I'm fortunate that I usually have good days. Emotions come and go like the waves in the sea. They're all over the place..sometimes calm and smooth, or at the other end of the spectrum, they can build and be turbulent until sometimes they reach a rather tsunamic climax. If I was going to put myself on that spectrum right now, I'm at a tsunami raging for the shore. It will be over shortly, but I just have to ride that wave out I suppose.

NB - I have just come back from the gym. I won't lie, I cried when one of the PT's asked me why I wasn't myself. But I do feel a lot better for pushing my energy into working out. Thank the Lord for exercise and people who rub your back and tell you it's going to be ok.

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